Pole, the sign of the black pole
2nd May - 21st June
When later this week you are made an offer you can't refuse,
first let him spank you hard, then call the police before
escaping as fast as possible.
Otherduopolius, the sign of the other two straight
black poles
22nd June - 18th July
That person you've secretly got your eye on - they're watching
you. If I were you I'd leave the country. Fast.
Signes, the sign of 'the sign'
23rd July - 19th July (backwards)
You will develop an uncontrollable desire for cabbage, and will
eventually be consumed by this passion.
Bigblacktankius, the sign of the submarine
61st August - 62nd August
Those bizarre fantasies about what you want to do with that small
child down the street will come horribly true later today.
Following that, tomorrow morning you will be arrested for
paedophilia and later this year you will be jailed for life with
no parole.
Corrosion, the sign of the phallic object
25th October - 32nd Gopsember
No. Just no. Definitely not. Stop it. NO. NOW. NONONONONONONO.
...
Well, I warned you. But you didn't listen. Next time, remove your
trousers BEFORE you get the badger involved.
Globulushaha, the sign of the funny black globe
2nd December 09:41.02 - 22nd December 19:03.58
In two weeks time you will be forced to undergo a series of
operations in which a fanatical deranged surgeon will drill into
your brain and remove samples in a search for extra-terrestial
intelligence.
Robinson, the sign of the lost walker
52952 / 7935 th December - 21st January
Your nearest and dearest friends and family will discover they
all have wings, and will all fly away to a remote island in the
southern pacific where they will live happily for ever after. If
you don't go out and get that pilot's license quickly, your own
life will continue to be as dull as ever.
Taxumdiscion, the sign of the out of date tax disc on
the nurse's car
22nd January (only if your name begins with a letter that is not
'C' or 'P').
You should take the opportunity presented to you to learn
hygwanbalese, and thus be able to understand my next prediction:
Huj ilm nut ril-ptewg wevbuy pulmtelm byn, huv huj wecdis geft
mulm gen nuseglin puk.
Graham, the sign of the branch
22nd January (only if your name begins with a 'C', a 'P', or any
number or punctuation symbol)
You may feel fine now. But tomorrow morning you may find yourself
vomitting your insides out, your hair falling out, your limbs
peeling off like dry skin, your head shrinking and your... (well
let's just leave the last one to the imagination). In other
words, the normal consequences of a slight case of food poisoning.
You may want to avoid eating that under-cooked fish tonight.
Biggerthanthecaspianseaius, the sign of the Gopsea.
22nd January (only if the first character of your name is
an ASCII control character (except a carriage return (I mean,
that would just be ridiculous, whose name begins with a carriage
return?))) (Oh, by the way, if you can only represent the first
character of your name in unicode, I'm sorry, you haven't got a
future, so I can't predict it.)
Next Tuesday will signal a turning point in your life. You will
find you are in fact not a sad loser as you had thought, but
instead you are the daughter of God (you'll have a sex change
first if necessary). Over the next twenty-six years you will lead
the human race to a better future.
Insecticusquatromusicaliticos, the sign of the fab
four.
4.543209932th February - 4.543209933th February
During the next week, yourself and four friends will form one of
these crappy boy-&-girl-bands. However, your worldwide
success over the next year will turn you into a phenomenon the
like of which has never been seen before. You will provide the
inspiration for long-lasting peace in the middle east, and the
money you make will pay for the discovery of a cure for cancer.
However, the people of the world will be so affected that they
will unanimously ban outright all other music for good. And so
everyone will forever afterwards only listen to your tedious
plagiarised tuneless drivel.
Pintusbluenpiscius, the sign of the pint of blue with
a fish in it
PIth March - eth April
You will be murdered by your mother at 15:19.36 precisely this
Sunday. There's no point me giving you any advice, as there is no
way you can prevent this.