Today's horoscope.

Bert predicts your future and offers exceedingly helpful advice.


Pole, the sign of the black pole
2nd May - 21st June

When later this week you are made an offer you can't refuse, first let him spank you hard, then call the police before escaping as fast as possible.

Otherduopolius, the sign of the other two straight black poles
22nd June - 18th July

That person you've secretly got your eye on - they're watching you. If I were you I'd leave the country. Fast.

Signes, the sign of 'the sign'
23rd July - 19th July (backwards)

You will develop an uncontrollable desire for cabbage, and will eventually be consumed by this passion.

Bigblacktankius, the sign of the submarine
61st August - 62nd August

Those bizarre fantasies about what you want to do with that small child down the street will come horribly true later today. Following that, tomorrow morning you will be arrested for paedophilia and later this year you will be jailed for life with no parole.

Corrosion, the sign of the phallic object
25th October - 32nd Gopsember

No. Just no. Definitely not. Stop it. NO. NOW. NONONONONONONO.
Well, I warned you. But you didn't listen. Next time, remove your trousers BEFORE you get the badger involved.

Globulushaha, the sign of the funny black globe
2nd December 09:41.02 - 22nd December 19:03.58

In two weeks time you will be forced to undergo a series of operations in which a fanatical deranged surgeon will drill into your brain and remove samples in a search for extra-terrestial intelligence.

Robinson, the sign of the lost walker
52952 / 7935 th December - 21st January

Your nearest and dearest friends and family will discover they all have wings, and will all fly away to a remote island in the southern pacific where they will live happily for ever after. If you don't go out and get that pilot's license quickly, your own life will continue to be as dull as ever.

Taxumdiscion, the sign of the out of date tax disc on the nurse's car
22nd January (only if your name begins with a letter that is not 'C' or 'P').

You should take the opportunity presented to you to learn hygwanbalese, and thus be able to understand my next prediction: Huj ilm nut ril-ptewg wevbuy pulmtelm byn, huv huj wecdis geft mulm gen nuseglin puk.

Graham, the sign of the branch
22nd January (only if your name begins with a 'C', a 'P', or any number or punctuation symbol)

You may feel fine now. But tomorrow morning you may find yourself vomitting your insides out, your hair falling out, your limbs peeling off like dry skin, your head shrinking and your... (well let's just leave the last one to the imagination). In other words, the normal consequences of a slight case of food poisoning. You may want to avoid eating that under-cooked fish tonight.

Biggerthanthecaspianseaius, the sign of the Gopsea.

22nd January (only if the first character of your name is an ASCII control character (except a carriage return (I mean, that would just be ridiculous, whose name begins with a carriage return?))) (Oh, by the way, if you can only represent the first character of your name in unicode, I'm sorry, you haven't got a future, so I can't predict it.)

Next Tuesday will signal a turning point in your life. You will find you are in fact not a sad loser as you had thought, but instead you are the daughter of God (you'll have a sex change first if necessary). Over the next twenty-six years you will lead the human race to a better future.

Insecticusquatromusicaliticos, the sign of the fab four.

4.543209932th February - 4.543209933th February

During the next week, yourself and four friends will form one of these crappy boy-&-girl-bands. However, your worldwide success over the next year will turn you into a phenomenon the like of which has never been seen before. You will provide the inspiration for long-lasting peace in the middle east, and the money you make will pay for the discovery of a cure for cancer. However, the people of the world will be so affected that they will unanimously ban outright all other music for good. And so everyone will forever afterwards only listen to your tedious plagiarised tuneless drivel.

Pintusbluenpiscius, the sign of the pint of blue with a fish in it

PIth March - eth April

You will be murdered by your mother at 15:19.36 precisely this Sunday. There's no point me giving you any advice, as there is no way you can prevent this.