Coming soon to a movie theatre near you...Filmed in staggering LOOK-O-VISION, the sequel you've all been waiting for, it is the bowel churning GRAPES OF WRATH II! Yes, this time the grapes are back and they want revenge! No fruitbowl will seem safe after this entrail-bursting debut from Hal Halowitz XIV and 20th Century Opossum Studios! QUAKE as they rise against their human oppressors! WET YOUR PANTS as they threaten little Jimmy with their pips of quite unpleasant nature! BE QUITE WORRIED as they threaten world domination! Can scientist Pete Peterson save mankind, or will humanity suffer a fate worse than something quite bad? Find out on this straight-to-video release on "We read the book, honest!" home entertainment.

DON'T THROW THIS BOOK AWAY! It is in fact a limited edition piece of modern art.

And now, just for all you music lovers out there, an interview with seminal Italio house giants "Antipastoman". Yes, we sent our reporter Clutch Tightly out to meet the two central band members, Roberto Di Gondola and Keith from Dagenham.

Tightly: Roberto, if I may first talk to you, it seems that although your new twelve inch single has a lot more tonal variation than the last, some have been saying that it lacks a little on the melodic front. How would you like to respond to that?

Gondola: Well, I think that you have to accept that our "genre" cannot be defined by the opinions of others, and, like, we are our own people, and we're just, like, doing it for ourselves, you know? 'Cause, it's like, the music.

Tightly: Yes, but even so, do you not think that stretching a standard house beat and one note on a keyboard out over 45 minutes is perhaps pushing it a little, do you?

Keith: Well, it's like, the vibe, isn't it?

Gondola: Yeah, it's the feel, you know, out on the Darnse Flowaar.

Keith: Yeah, pumpin' beats.

Gondola: And like you said, we're more into, like, the tonal side of it, you know?

Keith: Yeah, like, ambient soundscapes and diverse noise sources.

Gondola: Like, waveform sculpture.

Tightly: I see. So would it be fair to say that perhaps...You got a new keyboard?

Keith: Yeah, it's a great one! It's like, a Korg Tabasco EX1776854 with inbuilt hard disc and virtual wave modelling!

Gondola: And full drawbar capacity!

Keith: And lots of little knobs and that thing where you press a button and it does those Bossa Nova beats and you press a key and it does, like, this whole CHORDAL ACCOMPANIMENT!

Gondola: And it's ORANGE!

Keith: Which is, like, one of the most exciting things you know, because, like through the ages keyboards have been just, like, black-

Gondola: Well, wood veneer in the seventies-

Keith:: -So we see this as, like a real innovation, you see-

Gondola: Pushing back the boundaries of music.

Tightly: So let me get this straight. You bought a new keyboard and you wanted to fiddle with the knobs.

Keith: Yeah.

Tightly: So you released a single with just one note on it as a consequence.

Keith: Well, we were thinking of trying two, but we thought it might be pushing it a bit, you know?

Gondola: I mean, we don't want to get too technically minded, you know?

Tightly: I have an idea. Why don't you send the other 72 keys back to the manufacturer and see if you can get a refund?

Gondola: Yeah, that's an idea!

Keith: Then we could get one of those new E-mu analogue synth modules!

Gondola: The ones with the purple LEDs?

Keith: Yeah.

Gondola: Cooooool!

Tightly: Gentlemen, I would like to thank you for this interview, but you're both tossers, so I can't. Goodbye.

And now for this week's recipe: Following last week's Entire Planet Earth casserole, a few readers wrote in saying that this was a little filling for them, and so this week we have something a bit lighter.

Complete Euphoria And World Joy Tuna and Sweetcorn Bake


Pat Sharpe (1)
Peter Lilley (1)
Paul Daniels (1, if you can count Paul Daniels as anything more than a half)
Brian Harvey of popular beat combo "East 17" (1)
That bloke off the Renault Megane advert (1)
Boyzone (As many as possible)
Tuna (half tin)
Sweetcorn (100g)
  1. Separate the humans from the rest of the ingredients. This will be quite easy to do, since humans are normally quite a bit larger than chunks of tuna or grains of sweetcorn (except for Paul Daniels. Look for brainless wife/assistant in spangly leotard)
  2. Take the humans and dice finely with a very sharp knife.
  3. Laugh.
  4. Eat the tuna and sweetcorn.