Also known to the members of Gopsi as 'CHEM', it's a rather difficult subject, and although I have been studying it for seven years now, most of it is still che-mystery to me! This is why is it also known as "Chemystery".

This subject (taught mainly by Pom-pom, Criss-cross, and the renowned Magical Mr. E Jones (He's dying to take to take you away), aka pure evil, scrooge, etc.), is, as its name suggests, a great puzzle to everyone (i.e. Why do we bother studying it?). It involves many dangerous substances, lots of experiments which never work and vast amounts of expensive, easily-breakable equipment. During theory lessons, the principles of what is later done in practical lessons are taught. However, when it comes to actually understanding what is being taught, and applying it, no-one has a clue what to do because no-one has done any 'background reading' - very important, or indeed any of their homework - even more important.

Here is a sample exam paper:

Chemistry Examination. My-brain-hurts level.

The Chemists and non-diagrammatical league of Engineers

Instructions: Answer the questions.
Included within: A copy of the periodic table of the elements.
A list of organic compounds.
All other information you will need.


  1. How many words can you make from the Periodic table?
  2. How many anagrams of words can you make from the Periodic table?
  3. How many words can you make backwards from the Periodic table?
  4. How many different types of hat can you make by folding the Periodic table?

  1. Substance a is added to liquid b, which comes in a bottle labelled "Under no circumstances add this to substance a". Substance c is formed, which is thrown at person d by person e. Person d is rushed to hospital, and person e is arrested by police officers f and g. Name a-g.
  2. A green ppppptptppt is formed when Calciumhydroxy-benzoate-methyl-megadog-gowhatchaferret is added to poo. Name this green putrid substance and draw a picture of it.

  1. Add liquid labelled "1." to Liquid labelled "2.". Heat the solution with a Bunsen burner and observe any change. Now add two drops of the brown liquid and run like fuck.