English literature

Although, as is the opinion of some, it is a poncey subject, some members of gopsi are studying it, so it must be a bit mad. This is the sort of examination you get:

Instructions to Candidates:

You must answer two questions from A, B or C, one of which must be related to either area 1 or 2, unless question A(1), B(3) or C(2) is answered, in which case both areas must be answered (elsewhere). Under no circumstances should any questions in section D be answered, unless you are green, a tree and think you are a cheese cake.

Give up and go home.

Area 1:- The complete works of William Shakespeare.

Area 2:- Noddy.

This was a blank bit, until this was written.

Section A

1) Compare and contrast the effects on society of the complete works of William Shakespeare, the Bible and James Bond with Poland.

2) Write out, in full, any book that you have read.

3) What is your favourite film?

Section B

1) Write about any passage in any text you have ever read, and comment on it's effect on the social background of a character in a totally irrelevant book, taking into account Belfast.

2) Compare Noddy with your favourite episode of Brookside.

3) Don't you agree that Neighbours is crap?

Section C

1) How many books contain the word "THE"

2) How many books contain the word "Fantasiallisticallyhepatiticushaniomuchelaphobicalnmensturadingdoingdangelaphobia" (The fear of Great, green, marvellous, cushions with pictures of chickens on coming out of hepatic ducts, eating all jelly and then destroying the universe with a herring)?

3) What the hell does the following poem mean?
Ode to Gongulationberries

Oh! The gongulationberry tree
Is the luckiest in the land.

Great is the fruit it produces, and
Indigenous are the people that eat it.
There is only the one gongulationberry.

Great big insects can be taken
Off this tree, and thrown at people.

How wonderful it must be, to be the
Only tree that can produce the
Marvellous Gongulationberry,
Every single Day.

4) Write out this poem fifteen times, and remember to use quotations.

Section D

1) Did you like the last poem? I wrote it myself you know! Yeah, all by myself. It took me quite a while, but I was quite pleased with the end result. Oh, I do like Gongulationberries.

2) You didn't like it did you?

3) Copy and complete the following passage from "I'm from Liverpool":

"F _ _ _ off I says to him, no-one f _ _ _ s my wife and gets away with it. I was amazed to then hear him say - F _ _ _ you, I didn't f _ _ _ ing f _ _ _ your b _ _ _ _ of a wife. Suck my d _ _ _, Mother_ _ _ _ _ _. Right Ok, you're f _ _ _ ing dead you c _ _ _. I then punched him, and he kicked me in the b _ _ _ _ _ _ _." _ _ _ _ _ _ , _ _ _ _ ! _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ , _ _ _ _ _ , with a felt-tip.


4) Write a novel with the title "Hengongubanaloflip."

5) Set fire to your answer book, and then start again.

Serial Number:
Parallel Universe No:

This is the answer to Section 5 (The rest is up to your own imagination):

"Fudge off I says to him, no-one fondles my wife and gets away with it. I was amazed to then hear him say - Find you, I didn't fudging fondle your babe of a wife. Suck my dog, Mother Hubbard. Right Ok, you're flipping dead you case. I then punched him, and he kicked me in the berry juice." "Right Ok! I'm going to kill you, with a felt tip"