An applied Maths teacher writes:

Ye-e-e-e-sss, w-e-e-e-llll, I really do think, and Mrs Lavin is in agreement with me here, that, w-e-e-e-el-l-l-l, real-l-ly, when it comes down to it, as it were, there really is nothing like a good, e-r-r-r-r, wank. As I was saying to Mr. Brown only the other day, when called on to account for the stra-a-a-nge stains on the e-e-e-r-r-r, ceiling of the staff toilets, there is really nothing quite as fulfil-l-l-ling as, hmmmm-hmmm, a good old shuffle. And my wife is in full agreement - she prefers me mastu-u-u-u-urbating to me having sex with her. Not surprising, really. Hmm-hmmm: ah-huh. Y-e-e-e-e-s-s-s-s-s-sss.

And if any one of the little pupils want, ah-huh, advice on, so to speak, techniques, and so on, or perhaps even a little assistance... hmm-hmm-hmm... w-e-ll, they know where to come - sorry, where to go. I'm sure that I can be of h-e-e-ll-p in their sexual development. I could even show them my, hma-a-a-e-e-rrr, collection of interesting pictures that I cut out of the P.E. equipment brochure... or I could pull.. (At this point the manuscript becomes illegible, due to some strange congealed stains)..with two, or even three water-melons. O-o-ohhh, I feel quite relieved. Hrmmmph-Hrmmmph-Splutter.