William Hague this morning accused the BBC of “…extensive and intolerable bias…” in their coverage of yesterday’s general election. Speaking at a press conference held at Bob’s Easy Bar’n’Grill where he has recently taken up office, Mr Hague read a prepared statement railing against the BBC, ITV, Channels 4 and 5 and all major newspapers of prejudice against himself and his party:
“In reporting the fact that I and my party lost miserably in this election, the media has acted in a way which can only be described as unconscionable. By reporting the facts as they happened, they have done the best to discredit the Conservative Party and its members and to prejudice voters against us. They have deliberately and consistently avoided the only fair course of action, which was to report all three main political parties as having won, preferably with the Conservatives having been ‘First Winners’. To print details of a Labour victory in what I can only describe as very perjorative language on the front page of every single newspaper can only be described as irresponsibility which can only be described as irresponsible.” Mr Hague whinged.
Tony Blair responded by blowing a large raspberry, cocking snooks, cackling and repeatedly shouting “I am the king! I am the king!”, all whilst sporting a grin designed by Lawrence Llewllwylln Bowen especially for the occasion. Leader of the Natural Law Party, Acid Brain Moon Johnson, reacted positively; “We can see a kind of Zen thing developing here…Everyone can, like, both win and not win? We can, like, scrap the pound and keep the pound? We can, like, both raise taxes and lower taxes? We can, like, legalise cannabis and…oh…well I guess the system kinda falls down there, huh?” The Demoral Libocrats were also quick to comment, leader Charles Kennedy speaking on Trisha later the same morning:
“The Crateral Demolibs have long been in favour of abandoning the “First Past the Post” system of journalistic reporting in favour of a system of proportional representation, whereby every time the Labour party is mentioned, the journalist responsible must also mention the Conservatives and…dammit, what’s the other one?”
Conservative Labour LibDem central office have not yet responded to these responses, but the Labour Conservative Moderal Tracobil and Billybob Dramacal Tory Labour offices will surely be waiting with baited breath. Until then, it is up to myself to fight a lone war for journalistic standards in a morass of inadequate morals. Don’t forget to play “Pubic Bingo” on page 7! Win Jordan’s minge! (Not available in Republic of Ireland)