Charles Kennedy, the leader of the “Quite Good But Not So Good You’d Vote For Them” Party, was today shot in the head in Dallas, Texas. Scotland Yard are “baffled” by the crime. Detective Inspector “Scrubber” Holdsworth said; “Normally in this sort of case there is some sort of political motive, but for someone like Charles Kennedy, the idea of political factions feeling threatened by him is, well, risible.” All major terrorist organistions, including the real IRA, PLO, NWA, BBC, FTSE and the Tweenies have denied involvement in this heinous deed, as has Valerie Singleton. So far, the finger of suspicion rest squarely on the knuckle of Lee Harvey Osmond of Salt Lake City, Ohio, Nebraska, Utah Saints. Osmond is said to have been “…a loner, with no interest in the outside world. Hence his obsession with the crematorial drabocrils…He kept himself to himself, aside from shooting my dog…and my wife…and my children…come to think of it, he even took a pop at me once…well goldarn it, wouldn’t you know? My leg appears to be a bloody stump… oooh the pain…” (Rutters)