Yes, at last, the tabloid press bring us GOPSI-GATE! The unofficial transcription of conversations taped by MI99FLAKE between two unknown members of this secret organisation, plotting the downfall of the government (bit of an oxymoron there, if you ask me). As you may know, GOPSI is a crack branch of the KGB, Glockenspiel Olga Perestroika Sonofabic Iliyakuriakinski, a hard-core bunch of communist leftie weirdos. The first member, known only as 'Tim', conversed openly with the second, referred to as 'David' about matters which we feel need to be brought to the attention of the public. Obviously, they were speaking in code, so a translation will be provided where appropriate.

Tim and David: (Low voice) GOP - (falsetto voice) -SIIIII!

(Trans: Hello, glorious brother of the Red Army. I salute both you and the Soviet Empire)

Tim: Would you like to have anal sex?

(Trans: Tim is obviously a defector from an English public school. However, this is also code for "Please give me the secret documents".)

David: Ooh, yes please, but take your clothes off first.

(Trans: I shall give you the documents, but check first to see you are not bugged. Or something like that.)

Tim: No, you first.

(Trans: You check as well. Oh, what's the use? All I do is sit around in this flipping British Telecom van, and I don't have a social life - well, would you with a name like Trans? Ford Prefect had it easy, mate.)