Maths is a very mathematical subject. It involves the calculation of integers, decimals, fractions, variables, constants, and other random numbers. Fortunately, this is all really logical and therefore as easy as pi! (Pi = 3. 141 592 653 589 793 238 462 643 383 279 502 884 197 169 399 375 105 820 974 944 592 307 816 406 286 208 998 628 034 825 342 117 067 9 (100 D.P.)). An important equation is this: When the angle of the dangle is the sag of the bag then the throb of the nob is a constant. It's often very useful in maths lessons, but you don't want to know how!

Here is a sample exam paper:

Instructions to people who give a wet sausage:

All questions must be answered, unless your name begins with an A, B or G,

in which case you must bang your head on the desk and then eat all the questions.

Time : 25 Seconds.

This is a blank bit.

1. Jack buys three sweets, two which are green, and one of which isn't. His favourite colour isn't green, and he has pink and orange pyjamas. Calculate the length from his house to the bus stop to the nearest Quark.

ANSWER................. (1.626)

2. What is the probability of you getting this question right?

ANSWER................. (255)

3. Are you bored yet?

ANSWER................. (9)

4. If you are a girl, and like sex, what is your telephone number?

ANSWER................. (PASS)

1. What is your favourite position?

ANSWER................. (0)

2.

a) If a mad axeman escaped from a mental institution, who had previously killed lots of people, who is that standing behind you?

ANSWER................. (8)

ANSWER................. (8)

b) Calculate the difference between the mass of your underpants before you answered the last question, and the mass after.

ANSWER................. (8.87)

ANSWER................. (8.87)

1. If x=1.8347, y=48473, z=root two and t=x2, o+z =34.727, n=oty2 + 2, g=xty, h=(gy)2,

and a=(x+y)(znxtgh)!

Find a

ANSWER................. (1)

2. What is the meaning of life (to two S.F)?

ANSWER................. (FISH)

1. If X=1, calculate X

ANSWER................. (834838)

2. What is 1 plus 1?

ANSWER................. (1)

3. Kate says that if you multiply any number by a prime number, a goldfish will be born. Ranjit disagrees, and punches her. Who is right?

ANSWER................. (-9)

4. Get up and go home, this paper is a waste of time. I can't be bothered to write it, and I'm sure you've got better things to do.

ANSWER................. (1)

5. Do you want a punch?

ANSWER................. (No points, but just think very carefully.)

6. Just put in any answer you like, I'm in a generous mood.

ANSWER................. (5)

NAME: | TOTAL OUT OF INFINITY: |

FORM: | PERCENTAGE : |

FAVOURITE TEN DIGIT NUMBER: |

Here is an account of a typical A-level maths lesson:

Miss Saggar: | Ok, who did the 200,000 homework questions that take an hour each, so that I can take them in and lose them, like the pathetic-in-an-attempt-to-be-funny individual that I am. |

Stephen: | Well, as of yet I haven't done any as such. |

David: | Oh I did it, but I can't seem to find it at the moment. |

Andrew: | I got pissed off and destroyed my house. |

Zack: | I was going to do it, but got caught in a cat flap. |

Robert: | Well, the first half was too easy, so I didn't bother, and the second half were too hard, so I didn't bother. Instead I did a totally irrelevant essay on race cars. |

Simon: | I did the next, considerably shorter exercise instead. |

Pali: | I couldn't be arsed. (Throws a large rock at David) |

Wayne: | I deserve a right good slapping. |

John: | I wrote a program to do it, but it's a bit dodgy. |

Emmie: | I did it all, as well as all the other exercises in all other text books, and wrote a two thousand page thesis on the work. |

The rest: | Sorry Miss, we forgot. |

Miss Saggar: | Right OK, I'll just have to lock you all in the cupboard. |