Sex

Sorry, I beg your pardon,

To begin at the beginning...

As far back in time as it is reasonable for dodgy pervy sods historians to surmise, sex has been as vital to the lives of everybody as alcohol. Indeed, people have been at it for time in memoriam and they've been shagging quite a lot too.

First evidence of sex for strictly non-utilitarian purposes lies in the evidence of Fertility God worship in neo/megalithic man (it is no flaw not to mention woman, for it is a well known that the female of the species was created from one of Jane Austen's ribs in May 1817). Artefacts from as early as 3000-4000 B.C. have indicated the extreme importance of fertility to primitive man (before the IRA existed and so it could be bought easily without suspicion that you were using it to make bombs). The only exception to the general interest in sex might be archaeologists, who until 1996 believed that ancient artefacts carved in some detail into the shape of penises were in fact spear strighteners! In any case, many cheap parallels can be made between obelisks and skyscrapers.

Textually, the development of sex-for-pleasure philosophy is more or less unmarked, apart from 'Lots' of fleeting mentions of Lot, etc. (te he!) Aristophanes, the Athenian, is labelled as crude, yet, it seems rather that he took a lively interest in the birds in Athens, as the following example demonstrates:

A girl I did spy as we sported and played:
A really remarkably pretty young maid.
She winked and she giggled, but what I liked best
Was the little pink titty that peeped from her vest.¹

The 'Amalgamated Edition For Young Lady Scholars In The Noble Discipline Of Classics (Greats If At Oxford)' reads as follows:

A matron I did see as we sat chastely:
She was chaste.
She was afflicted with a nervous laugh, but I was deeply shocked at
Seeing her ankles.

In some cases, the ideas related are almost sado-masochistic (q.v.). In Thesmophoriazusae the idea of men dressing up as women is central to the plot leading to some, to say the least, bawdy events, as here:

EURIPIDES:

Will somebody bring me out a torch or a lamp, please?

[A slave comes out with a blazing torch]

Bend over!

[He takes the torch and begins the singeing operation]

Keep that tail of yours out of the way, can't you?

MNESILOCHUS:

That's what I'm trying to do, but I'm on fire. Help! Water, water,
quickly, before my backside catches fire too!²

Aside from this rather fun sounding activity, it is worthwhile to remember what Catullus always used to say (after he had cleared his mouth of Spanish dog's urine):

Mellitos oculos tuos, puella,
Si quis me sinat usque basiare,
Usque ad milia basiem trecenta,
Nec mi unquam videar satur futurus,
Non si densior aridis aristis
Sit nostr' seges osculationis.³

It is not just in literature that interesting sexual deviations described, as is clearly demonstrated in the works of Jane Austen, where the characters go into the third person in moments of excitement! One of the great early empire chroniclers of Rome was Suetonius, who was responsible for this account of Tiberius:

If you like to equate sophistication with pervy innuendo, then Catullus must be considered the master of the subtle allusion, like those to his 'Sparrow.'

After the dark ages (and you know they were called 'dark' because of all the time they spent with the curtains closed), with the increase in the amount of writing being produced, the references to sex come (as it were) in greater numbers. One of the most important and well-known author's of the time is Chaucer (because he's the only one anybody's heard of). Here is an example of the antics that take place in the Canterbury Tales:

Absalon started wiping his mouth dry.
Dark was the night as pitch, as black as coal,
And at the window out she put her hole,
And Absalon, so fortune framed the farce,
Put up his mouth and kissed her naked arse
Most savorously before he knew of this.⁵

In Nineteenth century literature, there is plenty of sex related writing to be found, even if some could not perceive it. Here are some examples:

... in Winter his private balls were numerous enough for any young lady who was not suffering under the insatiable appetite for fifteen.⁶

Mrs Goddard was the mistress of a School - not of a seminary, or an establishment, or any thing which professed, in long sentences of refined nonsense, to combine liberal acquirements with elegant morality upon new principles and new systems - and where young ladies for enormous pay might be screwed out of health and into vanity...⁷

He flourished his tool. The end of the lash just touched her forehead. A warm excited thrill ran through my veins, my blood seemed to give a bound, and then raced fast and hot along its channels. I got up nimbly, came round to where he stood, and faced him.⁸

She touched his organ, and from that bright epoch, even it, the old companion of his happiest hours, incapable as he had thought of elevation, began a new and deified existence.⁹

Mrs Glegg had doubtless the glossiest and crispest curls in her drawers, as well as curls in various degrees of fuzzy laxness.¹⁰

Mr Longdon, resisting, kept erect with a low gasp that his host only was near enough to catch. This suddenly appeared to confirm an impression gathered by Vanderbank in their contact, a strange sense that his visitor was so agitated as to be trembling in every limb. It brought to his lips a kind of ejaculation.¹¹

The only thing I can think about now is being hard up. I suppose having my hands in my pockets has made me think about this. I always do sit with my hands in my pockets, except when I am in the company of my sisters, my cousins, or my aunts; and they do kick up such a shindy - I should say expostulate so eloquently on the subject - that I have to take them out - my hands I mean.¹²

Well now, you look here, that was a good lay of yours last night. I don't deny it was a good lay. Some of you are pretty handy with the spike end.¹³

She gave a little scream and a jerk, and so relieved herself...¹⁴

There are a number of titles that might interest the Gopsi Encyclopaedia reader, and to give a guide, we have included a selected bibliography of suitable material:

• A Brief History of Lust by F. Uckmequick;
Pride and Prejudice - the un-Bowdlerised version including the Elizabeth-Bennet-shagging-a-donkey scene by S. E. Xiswhatiwant;
• 'That Slut and Thrust World...' by Zoroaster;
• The Penguin Atlas of Paedophilia edited by Rachel Hall;
• Socks, Sandals And How I Paid My Teachers by Susannah Ford.

These should provide adequate additional information to suit your needs but if you have any queries, we are all available on 0898 696969 (ask for Steamy Sandy, 10pm until late, exclusive massage services available to all professionals in the London area - High Court Judges, engineers, train drivers, psychopaths, booksellers, systems analysts, motor racing drivers, roboticists, baby sitters, strange people who wear sandals without socks and have beards full of bird's nests and smoke pot and say 'peace man' a lot and study Biology, gormless idiots, and theoretical physicists if they can afford it out the dole they claim because they cannot get a job, are all especially welcome).

Additional help can be sought from the Gopsi sex addiction advice group anonymous, Soho, London with the up to date, 24 hour knowledge of two professionals trained by Ian who can cater for all your problems.

Just one last piece of advice, as the song goes:

Why don't we do it in the road?
No one will be watching us -
Why don't we do it in the road?¹⁵

Although it should be noted that this does not usually apply if somebody is watching.

Before letting you go on your way, we thought it wise to give our humble reader a few tips on how to avoid unnecessary pregnancies. We are ideally suited to give advice on this as several of our members have experi..... oh, hang on I had b-better not say, er, any more, it might, um, incrimin... er ate us, I mean somebody. Anyway, here is a brief guide:

The 'Cap' should be put in right; many people get it wrong. All you have to remember is exactly where to find the neck of the cervix, which is a common cause of error. Anyway, you must push the 'Cap' firmly into the hole, getting your fingers in too. However, when doing this, you must be careful not to swallow it. And don't forget that ancient maxim: if the cap fits - better safe than sorry.

Instead of using the pill, ladies, you could use a placebo. For many medical conditions, placebos, like Smarties for example, have been found to have cured problems. However, you must tell yourself that you are actually taking the pill before they will work. This is an ideal cheat, and they don't give you liver failure, apart from tasting nice. As proof that it works, I eat lots of Smarties, believing implicitly that they are the pill, and I haven't got pregnant yet.

"It's better than SimCity"
- A first year, obviously (probably) talking about sex.

Now you thought we were going to leave you there, didn't you? Well, have I got news for you? We are.

See Also: shag, nookie, roger, rumpy-pumpy, bonky bonky, bonk, hammer and tongs, romp, love-making, consummation, ravishment, cp, defloweration, knock off, have it off, sleep/lie with, fornicate, onanism, lung disturber, pyjama python, porridge pump, copulate, kipper, pork, testicles, scrotum, loins, phallus, Corrosion the phallic object, chopper, julia (daughter of augustus), julilla (her daughter), john thomas, frank bough, priapus, beef bayonet, hitler has only got one ball, goering had two but very small, trouser snake, himmler had something sim'ler, pecker, and poor goebbels had no balls at all, dong, s+m, pink oboe, whips and leather, mutton dagger, ice cream maker, willy, banana, ben dover, 'wife's best friend', bald headed hermit, dick, prick, todger, william gladstone, candy bar, tool, ippy skippy chains and whippy, 'matrimonial peace-maker', sely instruments, wimbledon, huby, knob, tar-brush, crumpet, emma freud, phil mcavity, cockpit, wetwang, humby, 'where the monkey sleeps', ymca, fellatio, oral sex, cunnilingus, 69, spoon, missionary, 84b - subsection iii, masturbation, barclays, tossing, wanking, matthew willis, mr. cooper, wankers, five-knuckle shuffling, sado-masochism, flange, felching, jelly, vaseline, anal lubricants, wd40, marquis de sade type four men to one woman kinky jobbies, the miller's tale, whore house, knocking shop, brothel, bestiality, horses, catherine the great, ian jackson, tummy banana, whipping, labia, chastisement, self-deprivation, auto-erotic asphyxiation, amazonian buttock slugs, clitoris, the longest entry in this encyclopedia, fuck, roy, roy's friend, the ira mafia brothel lodge, self-flagellation, xiphiognomy, carrots, brass devices that can extend to over twelve feet long, pole sliding (both senses), breasts, buttocks, knockers, coconuts, rutting (in the hay), shap, etc.